Self Preservation- In God I trust.

Self Preservation:
1.Protection of oneself from harm or destruction.
2.The instinct for individual preservation; the innate desire to stay alive.

The past few weeks have been difficult. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I’ve done wrong and why my life seems to have turned into such turmoil. But now, all I can do is trust in God. Lately I find myself talking to him a lot. I’ve always talked to him, but this may be the first time in my life where I am talking to him daily and really needing his strength.

Positive thinking is a difficult task for me. I have been burned many times in my life and at some point it is so easy to become cynical, negative and untrusting. It is a daily task for me to remind myself of my blessings and my strengths. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a supportive family, great friends, a good job, money to pay bills, clothes on my back and food in my tummy. I am smart, good looking, educated, spiritual, and consider myself fun, loyal, trustworthy and most importantly brutally honest. If I know I’m so blessed, why then can I not be happy? Do people need love from others and relationships to really be happy with themselves? I have learned that if you can’t love yourself for whatever reason, then the result will be your partner won’t love you either.

So I am working on loving me. I lost that somewhere in the last few months because I depended too much on someone else to show me love. I let myself get lost in my relationship. You never know why or when it happens, just one day you wake up and you’re sad. You don’t know why, you just are. You don’t know how or when it happened, but it consumes you.

But I am done being sad…I am done being mad…and I am done blaming myself for things that are out of my control when all I have done is give. I am done being mean and I am done being hurt. They are two pointless things. As Brett Michaels says “you get way more bees with honey then vinegar”.

I am done trying to understand all the wrong in the world that makes no sense to me. My love is not to be tampered with and it is not to be taken for granted.

All I want now is true happiness within me so one day I can really give and share it with someone special without feeling bad about it. I have realized that I have a lot of self worth. I am a strong woman and I’ll be damned if I let anyone break me and my emotions or make me feel any less than I am. I am an emotional person and for that I am thankful. Because of my emotions, I know how to feel deeply and love so deeply. That is a gift God gave me, the gift of intensity and true passion. He gave me a special view on life and special way to handle things. If someone wants to reject it or sacrifice it, that is their mistake. When God gives you something precious, you do not return it or reject it, you accept it. You cherish it and appreciate it. I have a lot to give, a lot to love and lot share. But right now the most important thing I have is God on my side.

These verses are what touched me today.
• 1 Peter 3: 14 But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don’t worry or be afraid of their threats.
• 1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God for He cares about you.
• James 1:12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.
• 1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.
• John 14:1 “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.
• Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

This one in particular…I’m working extra hard at….because God sure did give me an over analyzing brain…but I am working on self control.
• Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

I have now lost 12lbs, and am slowly reaching my goal weight. I am learning to be the happy me and one day…someone will accept me for all that I am and that person will really be lucky.

This week is time to get back with the art…and draw my 2010 Self Portrait. I will share it when it is finished.

Life after Italy

Hello to all of you who followed my Italy blog a year ago. It’s amazing how life changes in just one year’s time. Last year at this time I was getting over my grandmother’s death and working through a heart break and my trip to Italy helped me slowly heal. It was a wonderful experience though I wish I had discovered it in much happier times. I’ve been thinking of that trip a lot, and what I thought I learned. While I discovered myself, I’m now finding I did not learn the lessons I should have learned. I find myself thinking of my grandmother a lot. I hope she is watching over me with her angel wings because now more than ever I find myself needing guidance.

It’s a year later and I’m finding myself in the same place I was last summer. I had a wonderful year full of new love, laughter and joy… only to come back to the same place of sadness. I often wonder what God’s plan is for me and when will I have some clue of what it is. I pray for understanding and hope that I can do as he wills. Today, I made a choice, to make food my enemy. I love to eat and I love to drown my sorrows in it. But I decided to make a life change today. To eat what I hate, because apparently it is better for me. I decided to start working out again, because apparently this is what’s good for you. Why is something you hate so much, is what you end up needing in life? And what you love so much has to be what’s bad.

In two weeks I get to cleanse my mind and spend a weekend looking at some amazing art at the Festival of Arts in Laguna Beach. I also get to attend a Gala that Mario Lopez is hosting! That is pretty exciting. All I can say is right now, that may be the only thing that I am looking forward to. Given my latest up’s and downs in life; I have been inspired to draw again. Some dark and some not….but I guarantee it will tell a story. I hope the inspiration stays and I can have enough to do an art show in the near future again. It would be ironic if my art show this year ends up falling at the same time it was last year. Now that would be dejavou.

Anyway, to all you folks who are going through a rough period right now…it seems to be break up season. If you haven’t already heard the song by Eminem and Rihanna, check it out “Love the way you lie”. Apparently it has gotten 20 MILLION hits in 4 days. Video is good though more on the trashy side of thigns ;) but the words and music is one that sticks to the mind. Eminiem has done it again. I love that guy…some how..he knows how to hit where the heart is.

Well that’s all for now. I think I will start picking up my blogs again…and start a new chapter in my life….Life after Italy.